On Turning 40

You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience.

~Author Unknown

Since Will's birthday last week, I haven't been able to stop thinking about my own impending birthday. Mostly because I will be forty this year. I'll have lived approximately half my life. It's an uncomfortable thought as I feel like I haven't even begun to live my life. There are so many things that I would still love to do, like have a career and travel. My life hasn't turned out anything like I thought it would. If my twenty year-old self could see me now, I think she would faint.

In no particular order, here is a brief list of the direction my life has gone in as compared to where I thought I would be:

• I'm living in the States. I swore I would never leave Canada except to visit. Boy, has that bit me in the butt. Not only did I leave, but I've been gone for a very long time.
• I gave birth to four children which is four more than I ever thought I would. I never wanted kids, let alone go through the nasty pregnancy and labour process. Plus, I have a son. A SON! I imagined that maybe I would have a daughter, but she would be adopted. Little did I know that when I was twenty-eight, the thought of having my own children didn't seem quite so bad after all.
• I've been married - twice! I never really pictured myself as being attached to someone, let alone twice.
• I still don't have my degree. I'm on my third attempt at achieving that. I swore that I would be thirty at the oldest when I got my degree.
• And that brings me to no career. I always pictured myself as rich and a work driven person. And that brings me to...
• I'm a stay-at-home mom. WHAT?!
• I also never thought that I would want to be around my family. I pictured myself leaving the nest and never turning back. I always thought that familial piety was something to be spit on. Now I think about how much I miss them and want to be near them. I also want to be able to take care of my parents when they are no longer able to do it themselves and to be a good aunt to my nieces and nephews. It's hard to do that living so far away.
• I live in small town suburbia on half an acre with chickens and a couple of big dogs (and cats, but I always knew I would have cats). I pictured myself living in a posh apartment or small house in an exclusive neighbourhood in Vancouver. And because I've lived in small towns since moving to the States, I've also had to learn how to drive. That was never on the top of my priority list.

There are other little things too, like, I like to sew now and I like refried beans and hummus. I've also had to add some new words to my vocabulary. Words like "diet", "calories", and "exercise" and phrases like "anti-wrinkle cream" and "Clean your room". Yikes!

Do I have any regrets? No, I don't. I love my husband more than I thought I was capable of and my children are a constant wonder and delight to me. I have wonderful friends and a comfortable home. The only thing I do feel bad about is not being nearer my family. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to spend more time with my grandma and step-mom before they both passed away. I miss my parents and my sister and my Nana and would like to see them more than I do. I would also like to be able to travel. I want to see exotic places and how other people live. I'm sorry that I haven't had more opportunities to do so.

Let's see what happens in the next forty years.