This afternoon I received an E-mail from my friend Amanda saying that she had lost her baby boy. She was 17 weeks along. Reading her words made me nauseous and it brought back all the memories and feelings of when I lost Skye. There was sadness and fear and confusion over how and why this happened. I can only imagine that this is how Amanda must feel too. She and her husband had been trying to have this baby and really wanted another boy. It makes you wonder how this could happen to people who wanted this child and would love unconditionally. Amanda was just here at my house a couple of days ago and I commented on how cute she looked with her little bump. It doesn't seem right or fair.So, tonight when you are putting your own precious little ones to bed, hug them a little longer and let the last words they hear before they drift off be "I love you."
3 comments:
This is so sad Robyn, my heart goes out to Amanda and her family. No matter how far along you are - only 12 weeks in my case with our little Maya - it hurts so much. All the dreams and hopes you've had for that little one, the anticipation of meeting them, the bonds already made. I know that when Lane turned one it was emotional for me because of the obvious - first bday, him getting bigger, our last baby so our last first bday, etc...but I was emotional also because of stuff I didn't speak out loud about. I didn't want to put a damper on his special day, he is such a joy to us. I thought of Maya, and how because she was gone Lane now exists. I still feel he was a gift from her - that she felt it wasn't her time but his time. So I celebrated him but mourned her. It's weird, every time I look at him these days I think of her. He has such a gentle unspoken closeness with us and I wonder if he knew of her, since he came into her environment not long after she left. Do you have those weird feelings with Kyla? I mean, you love them for who they are, and you love them for the sad circumstance that allowed them to come to be.
I feel the same way when I look at Kyla and Liam. If Skye had been born I wouldn't have either one of them. I miss Skye like crazy, but all of our lives would be so much different if she had lived. I don't feel, though, that Kyla and Skye are connected. Eventhough their due dates were only two days apart, I felt like the whole thing was some kind of sick joke. I lost someone I was so anxious for only to have another come along when I wasn't ready. I really feel that Kyla got gipped because I was still mourning Skye and wasn't willing to love another. I resented her for being born. When Will and I were putting Kyla in the car to take her home from the hospital I suddenly got this overwhelming feeling that this wasn't right. We were taking the wrong baby home. I went into panic mode, but was so embarrassed by it that I never told anyone. Kyla was four months old before I could tell her that I loved her.
I think of Maya too, especially in January because that's when you told me about her. A child is a child no matter how brief the time that they are with us. You love them just the same.
Lots of Love going out to Amanda and her family. I hope she managed to get through Mother's Day on a reasonable note.
And lots of love going out to our lost babies. May we one day be reunited when it is our time. I know they'll all be up in heaven waiting for their mommies to come home.
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